


Maybe

by GreenPhoenix3



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Christmas Fluff, F/M, Mainly self-indulgent fluff, Reader-Insert, a bit of angst, just a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 10:24:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17702594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenPhoenix3/pseuds/GreenPhoenix3
Summary: You want to throw a Christmas party for the Autobots, and maybe hopefully tell a certain leader how you feel. Set during season 2  before Smokescreen comes in.Honestly, this is a birthday gift to myself that I wanted to share. I know it's not Christmas, but it fits? This is my first reader insert, so I hope you enjoy!





	Maybe

**Faith**

“Okay everyone, we need to talk.” You watched as the kids tensed. Fowler just raised his eyebrow, used to your crazy antics. They all were sitting in your small one bedroom apartment living room. The small sofa could only take Miko and Fowler. Jack and Raf had to sit on the floor, but they insisted that they didn’t mind. You prefered the barracks at the base but this meeting had to be done in private, without snooping bots. “About Christmas for the base.”  Jack and Raf gaped, but you saw the way Miko’s eyes lit up. You knew she would be the easiest to convince. 

“Are you serious?” And as you predicted, Fowler would be the hardest. “You called us to your apartment to discuss Christmas for alien robots that might not even celebrate or know Christmas?” His eyebrow raised higher.

“Yep.” You answered confidently, but your hold on your upper left arm tightened as your mind began to gather reasons on why it was a good idea. The ridges of the all too familiar scar grounded you.

“Okay.” He simply said as he leaned back into the plain sofa. Now you gaped wordlessly. Luckily Miko was already to jump in.

“Really? We can decorate the base and everything? We’ll need a huge tree, and loads of tinsel. How big will the ornaments need to be?” She interrogated. Fowler leaned away from her after her questioning was done, for now. 

“Now let’s not get too crazy here.” Fowler insisted.  “It’s still a military base and it can’t be defaced too much.” Fowler said in a hard voice. “Plus, are you going to clean up the decorations?” Miko pouted and sat back down in her seat. “It’s just, after everything we’ve been through, Christmas would be good for morale. Now convincing the bots to stop looking for relics and celebrate is your problem.” Fowler looked to you. Everyone did. Doubt crawled into your mind. The search for relics was the Decepticons’ focus, therefore it was the Autobots’ and it literally took all of their time. Well Optimus’ time. The image of how Optimus glared at the screen and his shoulders were tense as if he held the weight of the world (to most people he did) pushed away that doubt.

“We’re going to do this.” You stated firmly. They all seemed to shrink back from you. “Whether they want it or not, they are going to take a break and celebrate Christmas. I don’t even care if the world is ending. It better hit pause, because we are celebrating Christmas with our family.” Fowler smiled at you, making you realize your slip up. You cleared your throat and blinked the sudden tears from your eyes. “Raf is in charge of decorations.” Raf’s eyes widened.

“Me?” He pointed to himself, and it was so adorable. A sudden relief that he was able to be saved from the dark energon Megatron shot at him washed over you. You nodded.

“Yep. I thought you could do something virtually and real stuff. Plus, I thought Bee would be the most curious about Christmas.” The way his smile grew told me I had been right.

“AWWW!” Miko groaned. You turned to her. “But that’s like 90 percent of Christmas.” You smirked, expecting her tantrum.

“You and Bulkhead get to pick the tree. And try to get Wheeljack to come too” 

“Yes!” She fist pumped and you couldn’t help the chuckle that passed through your lips. Then you looked to Jack.

“Food duty?” He guessed. You nodded.

“Show Arcee your mad skills in the kitchen.” You winked at him and his cheeks reddened. You swallowed the snicker coming up your throat. The knowing looks from the others almost made you lose it. He thought his deeper feelings for his femme guardian weren’t noticeable. How adorkable. “And for presents. It’s going to be a secret santa.” You said in a sing song voice. There was hope that would soften the blow. The groans were immediate and the hope was gone.

“But I had Bulkhead’s gift all planned out. I was going to make him a cool song with the riffs he loves!” Miko whined. Jack and Raf nodded.

“I was going to make Bumblebee a video game or a playlist.” Raf said his eyes wide. You resisted the urge to go aww.

“I wanted to give Arcee, something.” Jack mumbled as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck.

“And you can still do that!” Attention was back on you. “I just want to do a secret Santa so that every bot gets a present.” Everyone quieted at that. “What you do with your guardians is your business. But this way, everyone can get a present. So,” You pulled the hat from behind your back. “Pick a name!” Fowler was first. He reached his hand in. When he took it out and looked at it, his nose scrunched up.

“Who did you get?” Miko asked excitedly. 

“Ahhhh!” You yelled, interrupting Fowler. “Keep it a secret! That’s the whole fun of it.” You smirked at everyone’s frowns. What could you say? A little fun or frown never hurt. Next was Miko. She jumped up and reached in the hat. There was only a small hum before she nodded and sat back down. You held in a sigh of relief. Raf was next. There was a small smile on his face when he pulled out a name. Jack was last. He pulled out his paper, then quickly glanced at Raf. You wondered how this dork ever kept a secret from his mother. Then it was your turn. You pulled out the last paper. 

_ Optimus Prime _ Your chicken scrawl writing read. Your stomach floored and your mouth became dry. Irony was a jerk. Of course you got the bot you couldn’t stop watching. The bot whose voice was so smooth and deep that it was like chocolate had a voice. The one that barreled into your heart like the semi truck he transformed into.

“So,” Jack’s voice brought you out of your musings. “Now what?” He looked at you. You shook your head. 

“Um, planning. Text me your ideas and updates for the Christmas Party. I was thinking of having it a bit early, like the 20? Does that sound good?” Everyone nodded. “Excellent! You may go now.” You bowed dramatically. Earning a chuckle from everybody.

“Perfect timing.” Jack looked to the other kids. “My mom is here, want a ride?” They nodded and left with a goodbye. You waved back. Fowler hung back.

“So what are you and Cecilia’s plans?” You asked at an attempt to make small talk. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets. That was his off-guard pose. He was trying to comfort you for the deep conversation coming up.

“We’re going on a cruise since the last one was cut short.” You flinched at the memory of your guys’ attempt of thievery gone wrong. And you were still a bit peeved that your rank wasn’t enough to get the artifact or Miko out of jail. 

“I promise, their will not be any theft attempts this time.” He chuckled at your joke but it quickly died out.

“What’s this really about?” He finally asked.  You bit your lip and looked away. “Calling them a family, making a deal big about Christmas, something’s change.” You squirmed at the observations. There was no way you could play dumb now. You grabbed the locket hanging around your neck and spared a glance at your left arm.

“Mom always loved Christmas, said that the magic was the hope and love that made itself known.” Your mouth became dry as your eyes became wet. It had been ten years since you lost your parents in a stupid case of reckless drunk driving. Yet the absence and pain of loss still haunted you. “And despite us moving around, she always found a way to make it known that she loved me and dad.” You closed your eyes and the scent of cinnamon wreaths and chocolate chip cookies filled your nostrils. You breathed in the memory, and let it out with a shaky exhale. “We had too many close calls, and I have never said I cared about any of them.” You hoped Fowler knew this wasn’t just for the Autobots. You cared about him and the kids too. They came to fill the absence your parents left. “I want to let you all know that, I care.” Granted one did know but he forgot, thankfully. You could still feel the sincerity and desperation that lead you to admit to Orion Pax your devotion to him. Whether  he was Optimus Prime or not.

* * *

 

You watched in horror as Bumblebee was backhanded to the ground. Granted, it was like Hermes fighting Kronos, the winner was obvious. So, why were you aiming your diamond laser at him? The image of Megatron killing Arcee, Jack, Optimus, made you pull the trigger. The laser hit the wiring in his wrist. You quickly ducked and moved positions.

“It seems that the Autobots have stooped so low as to seek help from their pets.” Megatron sneered. You gritted your teeth as you stood up. Megatron took one glance at you, and you shot his optic. You smirked as he cried out in pain. But the victory was short lived. He quickly regained his composure and glared at you with one eye. “You humans are not pets.” His hand became a blaster and you turned to run. “You are pests.” You barely dodged the first shot but the second shot was too close and the debris of rocks hit you. A sharp rock tore at your leg. You fell with a scream of pain. The smoke from the blast made the air thick but you used it to roll behind some rocks. “Now where did you go, pest? I heard you scream.” You bit your lip to hold your tongue. You looked at your leg. It definitely needed stitches. But Ratchet was down and so was Bumblebee.

“Ratchet, get ready we’re coming!” You jumped at Arcee’s voice coming from the bridge’s controls.

“Arcee,” Megatron’s voice made a chill run down your spine. The chill put your body in motion. Quickly, you stood up, ignoring the pain in your leg. “Of course she,” You didn’t even aim as you hit the wiring at the back of his neck. Another roar of pain, but you kept shooting. One of his servos or hands was trying to protect himself from the lasers. You enjoyed seeing the small holes in his hand. Then his blaster came out again. You tried to run but your leg was still hurting and you fell. “I’ve had enough of you.”

“Megatronus!” Despite the unfamiliar name, your heart soared at the new voice. You turned to see a more timid (cute entered your mind) and less weighed down version of the Autobot you knew as Optimus Prime. It was him and it wasn’t. Your body still relaxed to see that he was okay. Different but okay. He glanced at Megatron,but then his optics met your eyes. You swallowed as you realized, the Optimus Prime you knew was not only a leader but a warrior as well. This one, Orion Pax, was a protector but not yet a warrior. Megatron could, and probably would, kill him. “What are you doing?” 

“Go back to your station Orion!” Megatron yelled. You noticed Orion flinch and anger washed over you. You aimed your laser and did something totally stupid.

“Hey Sharkbait!” Megatron looked at you. “Don’t talk to him like that.” You shot into his blaster. Now you remembered Ratchet’s lecture of not to shoot into a blaster because it could cause an explosion the size of the base. Well, now you’re glad to tell him that he was wrong. It was just enough to push him back and slam you against the floor. For a second, everything was dark. Then the rumbling ground woke you up. 

“You little.” Bad. That’s the only thing that came to mind. You had to get up. Slowly you turned over, holding in a scream of pain. You shakily grabbed your laser as you started to pick yourself up. Why did your arms feel like you finished a night at Basic? A whirring and a familiar sound stopped the bad thing. You could breathe, but everything was still slow, and your body still protested to movement. You almost collapsed back to the ground from getting onto your knees. Then something was picking you up from the ground. Your grip on the laser tightened.

“Do not worry, human?” You let out a weary chuckle at the question from the safe voice. The familiar voice. Optimus, no it was Orion now, that’s right. He’s here. You couldn’t help but wonder why. Wait, where was Megatron? You stood up, your grip on the laser tightening. “You are safe.” You turned as you positioned the laser on your shoulder. God, it hurt. Every movement, even positioning your fingers hurt.

“Are you okay? Did Megatron hurt you? Where did he go?” Well at least your mouth worked. You looked, and found Megatron out in the middle of the room. His blaster was smoking and so was his shoulder. You tilted your head at that,

“Ratchet has ordered humans to the Autobot cause?” The shocked question directed you back to Orion. For it was Orion’s optics you stared into, not the weary yet strong optics of Optimus’. 

“No.” You snickered. “They treat me like some China doll. I forced my way onto this mission.” His eyebrows (that’s totally what they were) furrowed.

“To get Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.” You could hear the hesitation in his voice. 

“Yes and no.” You tried to shrug, but even that hurt.

“You need medical attention.” He observed and his thumb drifted over the scar on your arm. Despite being Orion, he sure sounded the same as Optimus. His ghost of touches felt the same. You rolled your eyes, hoping to roll away the creeping warmth, ignoring the stabbing headache it caused you.

“Fine,” you growled. You glanced at Megatron and saw his finger twitch. “But I need to get you out of here and off of this fraggin’ ship because neither of us are going to fight Megatron in this state.” You looked back to Orion. The surprise in his eyes was so shocking that it made you freeze.

“Why are you here?” You knew what he meant. This was not your war. You were just a human. Earth was your home, and this was a battle among titans. Why were you here, helping the Autobots? Why were you worried about him? You limped over to his thumb and lead it to the scar on your arm. It amazed you how his thumb covered your scar.

“My parents gave up their lives for me.” You blamed the pain for your tears. You looked back at him. “Optimus promised to do the same for me. But I can’t lose someone else. So whether you are Optimus or Orion,” Your grip on his thumb tightened. “I’m going to make sure you come home.”

* * *

 

Luckily, that was when Megatron awake and your emotional outburst was left on the battlefield. With the memories of Orion as well. Yeah, that was not happening again. A hand came on your shoulder.

“You could always just tell them. Tell him.” Fowler said with a knowing look. You felt your face warm and you dropped your locket. It landed against your chest as your stomach dropped.

“How?” You gaped at Fowler. He lifted an eyebrow.

“Me and Raf heard your little speech.”

“Scrap.” You mumbled.

“And don’t think I notice how there are nights you stay up ‘drawing or writing’ as he decodes the database thingy.” He smirked. You stepped away from Fowler.

“I know they don’t need sleep like us, but I know they need to recharge!” Your plan worked anyway, most of the time. There were times that you would fall asleep on the sofa for the kids, and wake up in your barracks. You decided not to think too deeply about that. He put his hands up.

“All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t forget the power of words.” He said. You couldn’t help but bite your lip. The last thing you said to your parents was ‘I love you.’ Now when a war not your own was surrounding you, was it too risky? But Christmas was all about having faith, right?

“Okay.” You answered silently. He patted your back. 

“Atta girl.” His phone rang. “Gotta go. Cecilia is calling.” 

“Tell her I said, hi.” You managed. He nodded and threw a flippant. You were thankful that he was your commander and your dad’s best friend. He helped you get into the military and the job with the Autobots. He believed in you. He had faith, maybe you could too.

 

**Hope**

Today was the day, and you were freaking out. Slightly. You were a duck. Fine up top, feet running miles a minute underneath. God, you hoped this worked. You had Raf email your present last night, yet there was still so much to do. It was the crack of dawn and the decorations still had to be set up. Convincing everyone to have a tree wasn’t hard. All you had to say was the kids wanted it and everyone let it happen. Well Ratchet had some problems and Optimus was too busy to notice. Now you just had to setup the virtual decorations. You prayed as you pressed every button and flipped every switch. It all came on! For a moment the base twinkled with light and magic. It was as if Hallmark threw up in the base, but you loved it. Peace washed over you, and you knew it was going to be okay.

“And what is this?” You jumped and turned to see Optimus in the hallway of the entrance. The one that was usually up first was Optimus, always. You, were usually the last to go to bed (except for now with the relic hunting going on) and always the last one up. 

“Oh! Hey O,” You cringed as the nickname came out funny. Optimus even lowered a brow in concern. It wasn’t the nickname itself that was the problem. Ever since finding out he had a different name, you started calling him O and no one questioned it. It was the way it came out. “You’re up early.” Again, the urge to slap yourself was strong. Butterflies sucked and made your head airy.

“So are you. Is this for something special?” For a moment, you saw the spark of curiosity that was in him when he was Orion. You bit your lip as the butterflies fluttered strongly.

_ Calm down. It’s just a crush. A crush on a robot alien. That is so much more than a crush. Look at that battle scratched finish. Chicks dig scars. On an alien?  _ Your argument made it hard to focus on Optimus’ question.

“Um yeah. These are decorations for Christmas.” You gestured to the main room of the base. “The magical day of peace and hope that even stopped a war for just one day.” You glanced at him to see his eyes widen slightly. “I thought we, humans and bots could celebrate it together.” A little frown came on his face and you knew his answer. “I know you are busy trying to decode the database,” You started pacing. “But I said bots. Which includes you. And my mom always said it was good to take a break and come back to a problem. Not saying you’re not good, granted it seems that everytime we find one Soundwave finds one. Which doesn’t help my point.” You were rambling and you couldn’t stop. Even when you mentioned your parents. “Anyway, it’s a party. And while I heard Primes don’t party. If I have to storm the Decepticon warship so that you will celebrate this day with us I will.” 

“Agent (Y/L/N)” Optimus’ gentle call of your name made you stop. You slowly turned to him, embarrassment crawling over your skin making it itchy and hot. The sight of a small smile on his face, helped you relax a bit. “Thank you, but that will not be necessary.” He said with a mock seriousness. It still made you beam.

“So you’ll celebrate with us?” Hope bloomed in your chest. Then it died at his frown. “The others can but I cannot let another relic fall into the Decepticon’s hands.” He promised. The sense of duty in him was so amazing, but you saw the way it weighed him down.

_ When will the world stop asking so much from you? When will it take you away from us?  _ You thought bitterly as you smiled. Because while you hated that he felt like he had to miss out on Christmas, you understood what was at stake. So you smile and nodded.

“Okay, then I will make sure that,” You went to take the virtual fireplace off the computers when Optimus gently put a hand in front of you. 

“I will decode in my room.” Now you just got mad.

“No you fragging aren’t!” You turned to glare into Optimus’ optics, despite how he towered over you, your hands on your hips. “I understand you working on Christmas. I did it for the past ten years! But you will not spend it by yourself locked in your room while the rest of us enjoy each other’s company. You are a part of this family and you will spend time with us!” And now you are sounding like your mother. 

“The database,”

“Is a complex set of code that takes your full concentration just to understand it.” You finished his reasoning. “So I’ve heard. But you know what’s not complex, relationships. The relationship between you and your soldiers, the relationship between you and the humans, us, those things are not complex. All we want is you! So you can stay and I’ll make sure that everything stays quiet, just stay, please.” You were grabbing your left arm again as you begged him, and something changed. His mouth was open, and he seemed still. Like statue still. You weren’t sure if Autobots breathed, but Optimus sure wasn’t. He wasn’t doing much of anything. “Optimus?” Your anger disappeared and concern took over. The far away look in his optics concerned you. It was reminiscent of the thousand year stare. You dared to try something. “Orion?” You called softly. He blinked and looked at you. Well, it was more like he saw you. His optics grew brighter a bit before settling. It was as if he was really seeing you. 

“I have to go.” And he did. You barely got a word in when he turned and left the room. 

“Well, here’s to hoping for a good party.” You frowned.

**Peace**

The party was going great. Heck, even Ratchet and Wheeljack were smiling. Granted, having Bumblebee and Raf dancing to Christmas music was the most adorable thing ever. So why was the way the conversation with Optimus still bothering you? Everyone else became accustomed to his absence. He was a Prime, Primes don’t party. God, you hated that statement. Want and do were two totally different things. You don’t do doctors, but if you get stabbed, guess what you gotta do now. Prime could party, he just did it differently. Maybe you can go to the bathroom and try to bring him out, again. The music came to a stop, halting your attempts.

“Gift time!” Miko yelled. You smirked knowing just what you could do. You ran to your barracks, which so happened to be near Optimus’. You knocked on his door. 

“Hey Optimus.” You called and the butterflies were back. “Sorry if I’m bothering you, again. And sorry for what I said before, like way before,” You mentally groaned. This was going so well. Somehow your mind was always more sarcastic than your mouth. “But um, if you want we’re giving presents out. They’re just gifts to say,” Your mouth became dry. Despite there being a door, it was still hard to say.  _ Just do it.  _ “I love you.” You mouthed. But you said it, so yay? “Um anyway, I had Raf send you something. Merry Christmas.” You turned to see Jack leaning against the hallway, a smirk on his face. Heat crawled up your face. You briskly walked to him. “One word, and I’ll give Arcee to Miko for a week.” You threatened. His smirk grew.

“She would come back in a day.” You growled at how right he was. “But Merry Christmas to you too.” He laughed as you hit him, lightly. Then something popped in your head.

“You know what though,” His laughter stopped as he looked at you. “At least I had the balls to say Merry Christmas to my hotbot.” You stuck your tongue out at him as he froze and blushed. You walked back to the main room. All eyes were on you. “I thought I left my gift here. It’s at my apartment.” You shrugged and sat on the floor. 

“So are you guys going to tell us what a secret santa is or what?” Bulkhead blurted. Bumblebee beeped in what you assumed was agreement.

“Well, Santa was based off of a man in Russia that gave presents to children in Orphanages or poor homes to help spread hope in people’s lives during a time of war. It also bring a peace, So now we do the same, except sometimes we add a game to make it more fun. Like we draw names and give gifts to those people.” You explained quickly. You really hoped that there wasn’t any more questions. The basics of Christmas was faith, hope, peace, and love. That’s all you were getting into. Bumblebee beeped and pointed up. You figured he was comparing to some Cybertronian holiday.

“What’s a U-cycle?” Raf asked. Ratchet gasped, Arcee and Wheeljack smirked, Bulkhead groaned, and Bee stared at Raf morosely.

“Wh, what is a U Cycle?” Ratchet stuttered indignantly. You grimaced at the others and they all wore similar expressions. Here comes the lecture. “Why, it is the most important megacycle to any Cybertronian! When the first 12 Primes went to war after Megatronus’ betrayal of killing Solus Prime, the Uniter of Primes sacrificed himself to re-stabilize the core of Cybertron after the war corrupted it.” Ratchet spoke passionately but you couldn’t help your snort. He glared at you. You put your hands up innocently.

“Sorry,” Were you the only one who caught the irony of a Civil War destroying Cybertron until the people lost something dear to them? Even alien history had a way to repeat itself. “Keep going.” You gestured to Ratchet.

“In honor of the Uniter’s sacrifice, every vorn there is a seven solar cycle time frame that every Cybertronian spends time with loved ones and shares gifts or sacrifices for each other.” Ratchet said wistfully. The pain and longing in his eyes was so similar to your own. You glanced at the others, to see the same pain. To lose your home, to lose the people you would share such joy with, the longing but unattainability of it all was cruel.

“When was the last time you celebrated such a time?” June Darby asked gently. You were glad that she decided to join your little mission. Ratchet froze and a look of complete horror crossed his face. A warning sign flashed in your head. Sensitive Topic Ahead. ABORT! ABORT! But your curiosity won and you stayed quiet.

“The day my eldest sister died.” Arcee’s cold voice had heads turning. The anger and guilt in her eyes struck a chord with you so hard felt the cold snowy wind you felt the day you saw your parents’ freshly dug graves. “The day Optimus lost his Conjux Endura.”

“His conjuice whata?” Miko asked lightly, trying to break the tension. It worked, a bit.

“Conjux Endura, it’s like what you guys would call wife or husband.” Bulkhead told her. Your heart broke and grew at the same time. Of course Optimus would have someone else. Heck, even as Orion, he was attractive. But to learn that he lost that love on the day your supposed to celebrate it, just like you, you couldn’t let him spend Christmas alone. You stood up and marched to his room. Arcee speed in front of you.

“Arcee, out of my way.” You ordered. She transformed and squatted down to your level.

“I know you want him to join the festivities, but just let him deal with it how he does.” She said calmly. It bit at you a little bit. “He was there. I wasn’t and I still have a hard time.” She said softly. You breathed deeply understanding that she was just trying to help. And maybe you just had to wait it out. Fowler did the same for you.  _ Peace to be alone is a part of grieving. _

“Okay.” You sighed and sat back down, but your heart was still heavy.

**Love**

The cool breeze of winter hit your skin as if to cool your running thoughts. Even after the tense situation, everyone had a great time. Granted, seeing Arcee sway at the jazz CD Miko made her was a sight no one predicted. Well, if Miko’s smirk was anything to go by, she knew. You had to give it to her. As reckless as she is, she is passionate and caring about those close to her. It also warmed your heart to see everyone interacting with each other. Jack laughing as Bumblebee enjoyed the meme collection he put together. Wheeljack being speechless as June presented him with a katana ornament for his ship. She said it was small and last minute, but his genuine sheepish reaction was adorable. Despite what Jack and the others thought, you knew that June’s mother henning always came in handy. Raf teaching Ratchet about human anatomy, with June’s comments thrown in, was such a relieving sight. Although, you did let out a snicker as Fowler and Bulkhead swapped stories like the old war vets they were. It was amazing, but the hollow feeling of leaving Optimus by himself ate at you. You tried enjoying the festivities, but you kept searching for him. Glancing at the hallway waiting for him to show up. Now, the guardians were escorting their humans home, and the rest of the Autobots were recharging. Wheeljack offered to take you to your apartment, at Ratchet’s prodding. But you decided to stay at the base. Your apartment had thin walls. But, now you were free and as open as the vast Nevada desert before you. You stood up and started pacing.

“Okay, as mom said, the best way to get through something is to talk through it.” You smiled as the memory of her doing the same thing came to mind. You shook the memory away. “Focus. Okay, problem, your feelings for Optimus. Why is it a problem? One,” You pulled your hands out listing the reasons. “He had a wife of his own race. Why would he want you? Two, he’s focused on restoring his home which is a planet light years away from your own. And his dedication to his cause and his soldiers is amazing.” You almost swooned at the memory of his willingness to let his men hurt him during the Nemesis Prime debacle. 

“That heroic idiot. Anyway, reason three of why it is a problem, again alien robot. Why do you even like him?” You started walking faster as your hands gestured wildly. “I don’t even know! Maybe it’s his rich chocolate voice? Or his ability to look calm even when he’s hurting. Maybe it’s because I wished to know Orion eafter meeting that bookish idiot for minute? Or maybe it’s those lighting blue optics? I don’t know!” You yelled, an irrational anger rising in you. 

“It’s not because his aggravating selflessness that makes him risk everything he has to save me, us, his men. Like, why the hell did he think it was okay to use his spark and the matrix of leader to save us from Unicron? There had to be another way to not risk himself. Now, he is consumed with his duty to decode something to hunt for relics. I mean, I understand not wanting to lose someone else. God I do.” You gently touched the locket resting on your chest. “I even understand him retreating when this holiday probably reminds him of the love he lost.” The pain of losing your parents aching as you slowed down your pacing. 

“Freedom for all sentient beings, huh?” You scoffed as you came to a stop. Did you agree with that? Not really. There was an order. In everything you do, you reap what you sow. If you sow chaos, you will get chaos. Sow fear, you get fear and all of its reactions. So, if Optimus was trying to sow peace, why was he only getting grief and misery. Your teeth started hurting from how hard you tried to hold the words in, but no one would hear you now. So why hold back? 

“How much grief and war can one soul take before it consumes him?” You gripped your left arm as tears started pouring down your cheeks. “When will you free him? Just, give, him, a, break!” You screamed at the sky. You stood there panting, your words echoing around you. You grunted as you kicked the dirt around you like a petulant child. It didn’t help. You turned wanting to get away from the vast openness of the desert, to face lighting blue optics against a dark blue helm. 

“And what of the others?” Optimus stepped into the moonlight. It reminded you of that scene where the beast stepped into the light, but the slow cautious way Optimus did it, was so gentle. That didn’t mean you relaxed any.

“What?” You gaped. He went towards you and put his hand out.

“Would my team, our family receive a break?” He asked gently. His optics were soft, and it encouraged you to step onto his hand. He lifted you and continued to the edge of the mesa. Somehow he gracefully sat down, not even disturbing the dirt. Because he’s freaking Optimus Prime. While you on the other hand, he put you on his shoulder gently, and you still slipped, landing roughly on his shoulder strut. 

“Sorry!” You grimaced. You dared take a glance at him. There was an amused smile at his face. “Are my blunders amusing to you?” You asked mockingly. 

“It is ironic that a warrior such as yourself is graceful on the field but off of it,” There was a small quirk of his lips, indicating a smirk but the kindness in his eyes held him back. It was so personal and enderaning, you melted a bit. It didn’t help when your mind noted how he called you a warrior, not a woman. A small choice in words just boosted his physicality. Biting your lip you looked away and finished his statement.

“I’m a mess of a human?” You offered as you sat down. 

“As you all say, you said it, not I.” You bursted out laughing at the formal approach to his comeback.

“I did.” You managed to wheeze out. Silence dropped over you two gently. The clear starry night sky illuminated by the moon screamed Christmas magic, despite the lack of snow. Suddenly a shooting star came across the sky. “I would love that one day, you all get the peace you are searching for.” You whispered. He turned his head slightly to look at you, optics bright and steady. “Even Megatron,” you huffed. “But if he died a fiery death, that wouldn’t be so bad either.” You shrugged and you could practically hear the reprimand his raised eyebrow sent. You smiled at him. “I’m a bit vindictive, sorry.” You smirked. You saw the quirk of his lips again. The victory was small, but hey, he almost smiled.

“I would say overprotective.” Optimus offered kindly. You gasped in mock offense.

“Are you trying to flatter me? I assure you sir, I am a vicious, vindictive, vixen that will not hesitate to use your laughter against you.” You pointed at him dramatically. “Beware Optimus Prime! When I make you laugh, I will torture you with joy! Mwahaha!” You tried to cackle but you ended up breaking into coughs. There was a deep wheezing sound, and Optimus’ shoulder’s started to shake. For a second, panic entered you. “O,” You stopped to see an image you would never forget. Bathed in the moonlight, optics closed, a servo covering his lips, was Optimus laughing. The way it made him scrunch into himself was so human and so heartwarming, you found yourself beaming. “Now, you’re laughing at me.” You tried to keep up the facade, but you had started to break into giggles. He opened his optics and smiled at you.

“Well, at least your mission was accomplished.” He said calmly. As if he wasn’t about to bust over laughing. That didn’t diminish the swell of victory in your heart.

“Yep, I did.” You smiled and looked back at the stars. The night sky was so vast. “My mom, dad, and I had this tradition where we would go stargaze on Christmas Eve.” The story just started coming out, he didn’t ask but something about the moment felt right. “Ten years ago, we were in Colorado. There was a snow storm. The roads were icy and while my dad was careful, others were not. That night, I was stargazing not far from the wreckage, trapped underneath my mom’s body.” Your body began trembling, the memory of the helplessness as heat swarmed around and locked you down slightly overwhelming you. “I-i-it took me five years to look at the stars again without feeling her on top of me.” You whispered as you fisted your hands. Your bottom lip hurt as you bit it to keep the sob from escaping you. Something warm covered your left arm. Optimus’ warm servo covered you effortlessly. You glanced at him. The understanding in his eyes almost broke you, but you wanted, no needed to know just one thing. “Di, did you cry?” You asked, voice trembling. His optics grew in shock, but this time he looked away.

“That day, Megatron called for a truce, since it was the time for U-Cycle, and it is sacred that no acts of cruelty or separation are performed that day. I had just become Prime. A base near Hydrolux needed supplies. I wanted to go, but Elita did not wish for me to go. Similar as you did today, she begged me to stay.” Well, you didn’t know that your heart could drop faster than a beat in a Skrillex song. “I put my duty first. I left her. When I came back,” He sighed and the faraway voice came back. “A rouge bounty hunter had come and took her processor, because she had a unique processor that enabled her to quickly scan and analyze any foreign content. He left her body slowly leaking energon, no processor in her head. I carried her to the med bay, but it was no use.” You didn’t know if it was the utter defeat in his voice, the guilt in his eyes, or the way his head bent over as if an invisible weight was crushing him, but it all made your heart shatter. You leaned into the servo touching you. He looked to you. “She died from the loss of energon before I even arrived. The day we were supposed to be together, I did the cruelest thing and I separated us. I paid for that.” The finality and regret in his voice made you flinch. You turned and hugged the metal digit closest to you. You hugged it tightly, hoping he could feel you, and sobbed. “Agent (Y/L/N), are you alright?” You could feel him tense as you sharply faced him.

“No! I’m not okay! You’re not okay! There are millions of beings out there that are not okay! This is a time for faith, hope, peace, love, and to lose that, no matter what you’ve done is horrible. And the pain of that loss, hurts.” You gasped, “No programming, coding, memory, nothing eases it.” Tears were running down your face and you could hear the pings they made as they landed on Optimus’ servo. “But God, I want to try.” You looked back up to Optimus. His optics were wide, and there was something indescribable in his eyes. It was as if there were so  many emotions running through his head like the code screen from The Matrix. “I want to help you come home, and stay.” You went back to hugging his digit. “You believed you paid a price for some sin. I believe you are hurting, and one day I hope that you can say screw duty I have something too precious to lose.” He enclosed his digits around you and brought you to his chest. Once you settled from the movement, you could feel the thrum of energy underneath his chest. Slowly you approached his chest (you were pretty sure they called it something else). With a glance upward, he gave a subtly nod. You touched his chest, and the energy thrummed through you. The grief in it was overwhelming. The grief of losing comrades, a home, a love, a life to become something else, washed over you. You sobbed as you clung to the broad chest. All the while, Optimus held you up.

* * *

 

Optimus stared at your sleeping form in his servo as he walked the familiar trek to your barracks. He had slayed so many of his former brothers with his own servos, let so many soldiers’ lives slip through his digits. Yet there you were, cuddling it like a teddy bear as you slept. Your soft snores tickled the tip of his digit. All day he had been warring with himself on whether he should see you. The memory track you had open was so fresh, and had not been open in so long. He buried himself in decoding to keep the track from playing, but it was just getting too complex. He needed a break, but if he stopped the track would play. Then you came to his door, for the fourth time that day, mentioning an email. He looked at it. It was a video. Optimus found himself smiling as he remembered the video’s intro.

_ Hey O! Um, so I, well all of us learned from Ratchet that you were a librarian. Technically an archivist, but they’re sort of similar, right? Anyway I thought what better gift to give a librarian then books! Granted I don’t know what kind you like. Actually, I don’t know a lot about you. And I should focus so this doesn't get super long. I’m trying to do this all in one embarrassing take. So here it is, my book recommendation! Also known as me trying to read. Because I can’t order books your size, I want to read you the books I love!. _

Optimus put the code to your barracks and went in. Unlike his pristine room, a lifestyle of being an archivist, your room was clean but messy. The bed was not fixed and your art supplies had been strewn across your desk. A pile of clothing laid on the floor near the bed. Optimus smiled at it all, because it fit you perfectly. He laid you gently onto your berth. His only indication of disturbing your slumber was the way you curled into yourself as he removed his digit from you. It did surprise him when there was a pinch to his spark. As if he was disconnecting with someone. Optimus gently touched your arm as he put the blanket over you. The pinch relaxed the minute he touched you and he frowned.

“Oh, Primus.” He whispered. When you had looked at him, your eyes burning with such passion and care that it seem like your eyes were two supernova stars about to burst, his spark thrummed with the need to be in some contact with you. The tears made him rationalize that he was comforting you. So he let you touch the doors to his spark chamber. The relief and grief that left him as you cried told him that it was really him being comforted. You could do what he thought was impossible since he became a Prime, you were close enough to help him carry the burden. Now, by letting you so close to his spark, solidified your connection to him. It was dangerous, because the admiration he felt for the fierce, stubborn, guarded yet honest human female would grow into something he could not control. Although, as he listened to your light snores, he knew what happened tonight was inevitable. He heard your ramble from the point of why did you like him and onward. Optimus believed keeping himself distant would keep people away, though he was attracted to you the day you came running after Fowler stumbling but still  on a mission. The moment he knew he was in danger of getting close to you was the moment you opened your mouth.

“I stumble every moment I breath, but life isn’t about when you stumble, but when you get up.” You joked at that moment but it was in that moment that Optimus felt his spark stutter it’s rhythm. He could love you. Primus, he wanted to love you that it felt like a need to love you. Even now as he stared at you, he wished that you were on his berth sleeping on top of his chest. But with the threat of Megatron, and as this night proved, the energy still tied to Elita, he knew he wasn’t ready.  But maybe, maybe one day. He reached down and caressed your head.

“I do my duty, because I already have something too precious to lose.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is not beta read. So I'm so sorry for any mistakes! And I don't own Hasbro or Transformers Prime. I'm not cool enough for that. Also, this is my first fic for this fandom after drowning in the cuteness that is the Bumblebee movie and the greatness that is Prime. So thanks for reading!


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